they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
