my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
