Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
