I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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