just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
