when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Congratulations! We have a period
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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