Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
