I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
