Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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