I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
