Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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