My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize