Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
