I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
