I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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