you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
