Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
