If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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