just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
