pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
