I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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