i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
