I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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