he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
third nipple confirmed
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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