Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
