is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
