did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
