We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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