Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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