So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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