You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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