Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
