giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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