your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
