I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
