We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
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