well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
