New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
