his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize