If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
