Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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