I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
