The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
