i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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