we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
