Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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