Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
