i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
