We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
