oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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