Welp...herpes.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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