That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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