i just google imaged poop.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
