Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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