My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
