I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
